Let's get it partisan in here

I just had an extremely fascetious conversation with a friend about how we were going to overthrow the U.S. government and elect only celebrities to the entire government. We are convinced that the Rihanna administration backed by the Oprah lead House and Ellen DeGeneres senate with the protection of Britney Spears (Department of National Security), Jessica Simpson (CIA), and Halle Berry (NSA) would do just as good as our government in general. And they might actually get something done, even if it is only painting the White House Bajan Lime green. Anyways, this prompted me to get partisan and systematically insult everyone in America. The following are stereotypes and are meant to be offensive. I imagine that in my Twain immitation today I'm going to tick everyone off. Excellent! We need some hot water - "it keeps us clean."

So...

Libertarians: generally correct but unable to think about anything besides how much fewer taxes they could pay. And screw airport security, I want my Axe spray on my carry on and I want it NOW!

Republican partisans: Generally welmeaning individuals who shun the amazingly un-international American media and vote against whatever is currently popular. Stand up for life and human rights in any circumstance, unless the humans involved are Mexicans from Honduras, Brazil, and Argentina. Classically conditioned to interpret everything as government intervention

Republican Politicians: also generally welmeaning individuals who think that their job is to follow the Democrats off the side of the cliff and be sure to pay lip service to the abortion issue and hard talk those Mexicans from Argentina. Prone to hypocrasy, feeblemindeness, partisanship, corruption and the lot.

Democratic Partisans: Welmeaning people who seem to think that the Democratic party stands for something. Stupider but more reliable than Republicans. Classically conditioned to see inequality in everything, including the alphabet and graphing calculators.

Democratic Politicians - not welmeaning individuals who want to screw everyone to the greatest extent possible. For some unknown reason everybody loves them. Have all of the faults of the Republican party times a couple million.

The American Media - the worst aggregate on earth whose only job is to uneducate the American public by focusing more on Paris Hilton's DUI, Kate Hudson's new golf partner, and Obama's new dog than on international issues. Earth to the media: Africa and Latin America DO exist and it would be nice to hear about them every once in a while. And be sure to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever the financial advisors tell you.


And everyone wonders why I'm moving to Latin America... =P